Please excuse the 100% disgusting nature of this post. Don’t read it while you’re eating. I mean, maybe don’t read it at all. I just have to tell someone so why not the anonymous and wonderful people on the sub. At least maybe you can tell me if you’ve experienced this or if I’m doing something really wrong…!!!
Again, warning. What I’m about to say is gross.
You’ve been warned.
I’ve picked up the weight loss baton again after a year or so of not quite maintaining. I didn’t reach my initial goal but I kind of got distracted by some difficult life stuff and I pressed pause for a while.
I hopped back on my old habit fairly quickly once I decided to. My MO is high protein, high fat, low carb – because I find that’s the pattern that helps me stay within my calorie limit without getting starving.
This week though I kind of forgot to eat many vegetables. Or much fibre. Or anything apart from meat and dairy.
I hadn’t been paying loads of attention to my bowel movements (see where this is going? I did warn you), but I realised after a week or so that I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done a poo. It didn’t worry me particularly, it wasn’t uncomfortable, so I moved on with things.
This morning, Saturday, I had some porridge for breakfast. Half an hour later and the old urge came on pretty strong.
Half an hour (yes really!) after that I felt about three pounds lighter. It had been a fairly strenuous affair but it was done. About half way through I’d glanced down to see what I was, ahem, doing (don’t tell me you’ve never done that) and I was surprised by the volume of material I’d been evacuating. There was a fair mountain of the stuff in the bottom of the bowl. It was like a disgusting brown iceberg, towering out of the water. I did wonder at that point whether it was worth a mid-way flush, but decided against it. A decision I would later regret.
Eventually everything was out and I gave the loo an idle flush. Imagine my panic when the water in the bowl didn’t drain as normal but rose, and rose, and rose, all the way to the brim.
After the relief of an averted overflow subsided, I noticed the water level going down slowly. Phew. It took some time but it eventually returned to normal… Although the giant pile of crap had barely moved. I thought it needed a bit of a nudge so, reluctantly I gave it a shove with the toilet brush. Turns out this was a terrible idea. The next flush was worse than the first! The water level kept rising, and what with the mashing and the twice flushing the bowl filled with a glossy, textureless brown soup. And this time it wasn’t going anywhere.
I tried to think of a way round what comes next, I really did. I tried breaking up a coat hanger and poking it around to try busting a hole in whatever was causing the blockage. But in the end there was no way around it. I popped on my rubber gloves, used an old plastic carton to empty the sewage water into a bucket, and ended up digging around WITH MY HANDS.
This was disgusting enough, but through my disgust there broke a growing amazement as began to grapple with solid clumps of matter. I pulled out handfuls of the stuff, and all of it had the consistency of clay. It was hard, unyielding and entirely waterproof. Honestly if I had a kiln I could probably have made pottery out of this stuff. To my amazement I realised I had literally shit a brick.
Eventually I got the gunk out and managed to make the toilet flush work. But to think that all that solid, clay like matter had been sitting in my bowel made me feel a bit weird.
I’m guessing that this is what happens when you don’t eat enough fibre on a high protein high fat diet.
The moral of the story? EAT. YOUR. VEGETABLES. Or you’ll starting shitting modelling clay and end up elbows deep in your own effluence at 9am on a Saturday trying to unblock the toilet.
So I know that’s completely disgusting. But, by any chance, has anyone else experienced anything like this? Please tell me it’s not just me. Or I’ve just massively overshared for no good reason.