I’ve struggled with body dysmorphia for my whole life. When I moved to America I put on 10 kg (22lbs). I decided to get into fitness. Through A LOT of restricting and exercising, I managed to lose the 10 kg, but I developed an ED surprised Pikachu face.
It started with binge eating and has since spiraled out of control. I’ve been bulimic for a bit over two years. I want to fix things. I need to get back on track. I’ve been trying to eat ~2000 calories a day. I’ve been trying not to actively count calories – used to use MyFitnessPal all the time – as I have noticed it’s an extremely obsessive behavior that manifests itself in purges. I do eat healthy, but I no longer restrict things I like. I never have trigger foods in the house, and if I crave something I go to the store and buy something small.
Now even through the two ish years, I still exercised, even if some moments weren’t particularly consistent. My diet was limited to 1700 at that time. My weight didn’t change because of my ED, and as demotivating as that was, I had no right to complain.
Since then, I’ve increased my calories to 2000 and even though I still struggle with my bulimia, I want to lose fat. This is where I need help. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and while I have him to help me with my self image/esteem and what not, I just can’t accept my body the way it is. This is something I can control. If there is room for improvement, you need to try, right? I’ve been working out consistently for three weeks and I am stuck. I’m kinda in a mixed state of emotions and I can’t process it. It’s like betrayal, disappointment and sadness wrapped into one as only an hour ago I weighed myself. Stupid of me, I know.
I ate well these few weeks, with a few exceptions (cravings and small treats). I’m not going to lie either, I have purged about three times. But I still try to maintain 2000 calories on the days I don’t screw up. I’ve also been consistent in my work outs.
I haven’t seen anything happen and I’m frustrated. I’m not losing fat, nor am I seeing any change in my body. I still have my moments of weakness when I purge, but I’m honestly trying my best. Even eating 2000 calories is terrifying to me. But I want to lose fat, and I want to recover from this awful thing that has taken a good two years of my life.
I’m at my wits’ end. I just stay at the same weight. It’d be one thing to see gains and not see the scale budge, but there isn’t even that. I don’t understand this. I don’t know anymore. Why even try if I can’t even see a modicum of change? I need advice, or reasons. I wish I could explain the whole situation, but I suppose this will have to do. Thank you for reading.
In case you need to know – I’m 24F, 176cm, ~75kg, and BF% is ~27%